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Amid Sen. John Kennedy’s conspicuous public absence, a little-known person claiming to be a close friend of the Republican lawmaker said he’s confident Kennedy is not hiding from his constituents even though he doesn’t know where Kennedy is.

An individual identifying himself as Kohn Jennedy told reporters outside the U.S. Capitol yesterday that he is a confidant of Kennedy and insisted the junior senator from Louisiana is not trying to dodge his constituents.

“Senator John Kennedy would never intentionally avoid the good people of the great state of Louisiana,” the bespectacled and mustachioed Jennedy stated. “He is too much a man of the people — a champion for regular, hardworking citizens — to do something as stupid and elitist as hiding from the people he claims to represent. That’s something a career politician, a D.C. insider would do. And he’s definitely not one of the good ol’ boys from the beltway.”

The newly elected senator has been the target of increasingly boisterous criticism by Louisiana residents questioning Kennedy’s refusal to hold town hall meetings and his lack of communication.

“I found that protest … I mean, Senator Kennedy found that protest to be amateurish, divisive, and mean-spirited. At least, I assume that’s how he feels, because I don’t know where he is.”

Jennedy pushed back at such claims, including those expressed at a recent “milk carton” protest aimed at highlighting Kennedy’s “missing” status.

“I found that protest … I mean, Senator Kennedy found that protest to be amateurish, divisive, and mean-spirited. At least, I assume that’s how he feels, because I don’t know where he is,” Jennedy said. “My guess is he is doing the job the good people of the great state of Louisiana sent him to Washington to do, which is help President Donald Trump drain the swamp. After all, he’s from Louisiana, so he knows a thing or two about swamps.”

When pressed by a reporter if he was actually Kennedy, Jennedy shot back, “Why, that’s the craziest thing I ever … I mean, Senator Kennedy ever … I mean … yes, I ever heard. Look, I do not know where Senator Kennedy is, but I can assure you he certainly isn’t here in disguise, wearing dark glasses and a fake mustache. He’s way too intelligent and handsome to do that sort of thing.”

 

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About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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