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This Month in Bizarre Sex Acts: Don’t Cock-block Centenarians

by Matt Jackson

Recently in the news, there were three stories that arrested my attention, each one going hard out the gate to win the 2017 sex act of the year award.

Most months, I see multiple cases of teachers getting arrested for banging out their students. Also, the state of Florida usually never disappoints with some sort of illicit act because, well, Florida gonna Florida.

However, none of these stories involve some smoke show with a teaching certificate knocking boots with some 16-year-old every day for 8 months and now the kid is “emotionally destroyed,” at least according to his parents. Nor is one of them about some tweaked out, neck-tatted trailer park resident from I-4 corridor eating human flesh.

No, this week, I’m sharing the seedy underbelly of the trashy common folks.

For starters, a Tennessee police officer, Frank Geisenhoffer, was secretly recorded by a store clerk during a December conversation.

First off, I love that a guy with the last name of Geisenhoffer is the alleged culprit. Having a name like that is just asking for problems.

Anyway, in the recordings, ole Frank “the crank” can be heard showing the store clerk a video of himself masturbating and asking her for nude pics in return. Then ole Franky proceeded to tell the store clerk, “I don’t do big girls, don’t have to, not with this dick.”

Who cockblocks a 100-year-old man?

My first thought was, do any of you remember the movie Wanderlust with Paul Rudd? You know the part where Paul Rudd stands in front the mirror and tries to talk himself up before having sex with the girl? “You like my exquisite erection?” he asks his reflection. “I’m gonna get it all up in your vaj … with my dick.”

That’s about how painfully cringeworthy Geisenhoffer’s comments were. I couldn’t even imagine being the store clerk and thinking, “Did he really just say that?”

The second incident happened at an assisted care facility out of Sandusky, Ohio, where a video surfaced showing 26-year-old Brittany Fultz performing lewd acts on a 100-year-old male patient. The video shows Fultz pulling her pants down and mooning the elderly man and saying, “I can show you new things.”

My personal favorite part of the story is what the cop had to say. “She is basically harassing him,” Sandusky detective Anthony Bath stated. “She is touching him, this is not something he wanted.”

First of all, who cockblocks a 100-year-old man? That guy has a hot blonde 26-year-old grinding on his thighs and pulling her pants down in front of him. I’m sure while laying there, he was thinking how awful that was.

Any decent human being would let a man who’s lived that long get his lapdance and not say a word. That dude is on borrowed time. If I somehow make it to 100 and some stupid co-worker of the alleged woman cockblocks me, I’m going to be super pissed. Just being 100, I deserve that sort of daily attention from a smoking blonde who’s 1/4 my age.

And last but not least, a Caddo Parish Animal Shelter kennel worker is out on bond after her arrest on a charge of crimes against nature, and a former employee is accused of videoing her doing the deed.

Why did she do it? Maybe she wanted to finally feel like she could have the pick of the litter, so to speak.

My question is, though, is this for their own fun to watch on personal time, or are they putting this on the internet? If so, what sort of site would someone find this on? Asking for a friend.

 

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