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Ask a Conspiracy Theorist: “My Friend Is Dead. Or Is He?”

Dear Kim Trails,

I read in the newspaper that an old friend of mine I hadn’t seen in years passed away. However, I don’t trust the mainstream media. They’ve lied to us in the past about people dying, like at Sandy Hook. How can I know for sure if my friend is really dead or if this is just a distraction perpetrated by the Illuminati and their puppets in the media? — Anita Boles (not my real name)

Dear “Anita,”

Only sheeple take obituaries at face value. At least half the people at all funerals are crisis actors. The government, media, and Big Funeral Parlor want you to think people are dying all the time.

Why? They want you to get so caught up in grief about allegedly losing a loved one or a dear friend that you stop thinking clearly and let down your guard against the invisible malevolent forces that surround us every day and succumb to their relentless efforts to control your mind. They want to displace your diligence with grief! Don’t let them do it!

On the off chance that your friend may have really died (I seriously doubt it), the only way to tell is to go to the alleged “wake” for your friend and secure some hair or a fingernail clipping. A simple DNA test in your lab (I don’t trust anyone else to do my research, and neither should you) will let you know if that was really your friend’s body in the coffin or if the “corpse” was actually just a realistic copy, like the robots in Westworld.

Of course, this method only works if you already have a sample of your friend’s DNA to compare it against. That’s why I have DNA samples from all my close friends and family. (Most of them don’t know, so please don’t tell them.) — Kim Trails (not my real name, either)

 

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