Insiders have confirmed Donald Trump’s plans to rescind eight years’ worth of President Barack Obama’s executive orders. But in a surprising development, they have disclosed the president-elect’s intent to issue an executive order of his own: banning the private ownership of all guns. The insiders declined to disclose their identity, saying they had no authority to speak on the matter, and for fear of being deported.
Although the action seems to follow the erratic behavior pattern that was the hallmark of Trump’s successful presidential campaign, it is a move that is sure to send shock waves through even his most ardent supporters.
In a rambling and mostly incoherent tweet at 3:00 a.m. today, Trump pledged to personally keep all Americans safe, noting “I now have nuclear weapons” and ending with the shocking admission “I’m truly a liberal at heart.”
“Hell yeah, I’d still have voted for ’em if he’d murdered somebody in the middle of the street. But I’ll be damned if he’s gonna take away my guns.”
One insider fears Trump is on the verge of a nervous breakdown brought on by the startling reality that he now will have to be president: “He never thought he would actually win.”
“Hell yeah, I’d still have voted for ’em if he’d murdered somebody in the middle of the street,” one wild-eyed, gray-bearded Trump supporter said. “But I’ll be damned if he’s gonna take away my guns. Take my dog, take my trailer, take my wife, but ya’ ain’t takin’ my guns!” he yelled as he cradled his AK-47 and prepared to hunker down for the upcoming apocalypse.