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Do Not Open Until November 9

Hey.

No, no; it’s cool. I understand. It’s been a long year for everybody, and you got a little worked up toward the end there. But it’s all over now.

I mean, here we are: the day after the election, and “your guy” lost.

By a lot.

We’ll get past this. Remember when you defended Mitt Romney and said he was just like you, despite the fact he owns a dancing horse, wears magic underwear, and eats California condor eggs for breakfast? We got over that.

 

The good news is it doesn’t really change your situation. You’ve got one person to blame for everything that doesn’t go right, instead of actually having to pay attention to all the godawful, back-alley deals and the corruption that takes place in Congress that really grabs you by the pussy on a daily basis.

Sorry. That was a cheap shot.

Look, the real reason I’m here is to get us back on track. Now that all that tension’s released, it’s time to start hanging out again, or else Thanksgiving is going to be even more awkward than the time Uncle Jerry proposed to his “roommate” at the table and Mimi fainted into her stuffing.

We’ll get past this. Remember when you defended Mitt Romney and said he was just like you, despite the fact he owns a dancing horse, wears magic underwear, and eats California condor eggs for breakfast? We got over that.

Yes, Trump was a bit more of an extreme turn on your part, but it wasn’t really your fault. You were conned with what salesmen call the “foot in the door,” or what Law & Order: SVU calls “grooming.”

It wasn’t just over the past year, either. The last electable Republican candidate for president was John McCain. Remember that guy? He used to go on The Daily Show to raving applause from liberal college kids in the audience. He was smart and likable. He could sell conservative ideas by backing them up with relatable facts and charisma.

Then he got beat by a black guy, and all hell broke loose.

The GOP figured they could win the next election by going for the rich, super-white vote, and that didn’t work. Then they tried to appeal to the insane right-wing crowd, and by god, they certainly drummed up support.

But the problem with the crazies is they really went all the way, marching past the nut-ball rhetoric of Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and even Ben Carson (Remember when he thought he was going to be president and told everyone the Egyptians stored grain in the pyramids, and we actually believed that was as crazy at it could get? Good times.), right into the creepy orange grasp of the Donald.

Let it out. Go on. Let it all go. You don’t have to pretend he’s a decent, Christian, conservative, marginally electable human being anymore.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. Hell, Ted Cruz backed him after Trump called Cruz’s wife ugly in front of the entire planet. John McCain spent years getting tortured in Vietnam only to spend his golden years having to pledge his support to a bloated rapist who questioned his heroism.

But it’s over now, and I need you to work past this with me.

Let it out. Go on. Let it all go. You don’t have to pretend he’s a decent, Christian, conservative, marginally electable human being anymore.

You’re safe now.

Go back to the middle-school-level understanding of his true character with the rest of the planet. You were there two years ago. It’s just like riding a bike.

Admit you never trusted him on a human level.

Admit you understand how ridiculous it is to support a man with five children by three wives as a conservative, family values candidate.

Admit you could see the bullshit of a man who attacked the pope on Twitter, said his favorite book of the Bible was “Two Corinthians,” and claimed to be a Christian candidate.

Admit you saw the irony in a man on his second immigrant wife fighting tooth and nail against immigrants as part of his platform.

Admit you saw the bullshit in a man who defended Russia at every available instance while Putin openly supported his candidacy and less openly hacked his opponent, all while running as a Reaganesque candidate, even going so far as to steal his campaign slogan.

Admit you found his bragging about molesting women repellent.

Admit you (more than once) heard a report about something he said or did and called him a dumbass.

Admit you were terrified at the idea of someone with zero governing experience, who’d never held public office, being elected president of the United States.

George Bush looked at his watch during a debate and lost the public, and you were willing to let “Grab them by the pussy” slide? That’s Scientology-level indoctrination there. It’s time for you to get deprogrammed.

Admit you weren’t fooled after the area flooding when he showed up in his private jet, handed Play-Doh (Really? Fucking Play-Doh?) to Mike Pence on camera for 49 seconds, and talked about how he was going to help, before quickly hopping back on his plane for his next appearance and showering for an hour to get the stench of the masses off of him.

Admit you knew reposting that Facebook picture stating “I’m more upset by what Hillary has done than by what Trump has said” was bullshit since Trump was saying things about what he did.

“Grab them by the pussy”? COME. ON. George Bush looked at his watch during a debate and lost the public, and you were willing to let “Grab them by the pussy” slide?

That’s Scientology-level indoctrination there. It’s time for you to get deprogrammed.

I need you to find a better candidate and turn the Republican Party around for the next election. Find someone whom you can back up on policy, someone I can’t shoot down by simply quoting actual things he’s said. Someone who’s never been on Howard Stern. Someone without a board game, steaks, and dozens of failed businesses in his name.

I’m a white, heterosexual, college-educated, home-owning, married man who grew up in the South. Sell me, dude! I’m the person you’re supposed to convince that he has nothing to lose if a Republican wins. How the hell did you get here?!

I want to walk into the booth in 2020 and actually stop and think about who I’m voting for, instead of sprinting to the polls on a Tuesday morning and mashing the ballot like it’s the elevator button the hooker running from Batman with a chainsaw in American Psycho presses to try to get away. It’d be great if half the country could just make America work again instead of pushing for a greatness that only existed because the people with a voice could drown out everyone else.

Facebook’s everywhere now. It’s way harder to pretend all that awful shit isn’t going on.
But that’s down the road. We’ll start working on that tomorrow, OK?

For now, how about some ice cream?

Yes, you can get extra sprinkles.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

 

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About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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