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SEPTEMBER HORRORSCOPES: Words of Wisdom

HorrorscopesSeptember is here, which means school is more or less back in session, the temperature is dipping into the high 80s, and your lawn is down to only needing mowing twice a week. In a normal year, September is just the boring preamble to the beginning of the holiday season, or as Wal-Mart sees it, the perfect time to put up Christmas decorations.

But this is an election year, so September means we have to put up with all-encompassing election coverage, political ads, and blathering idiocy for only two more months.

Speaking of blathering idiocy, one of our illustrious candidates this go-round is businessman, “entertainer,” and New York society punchline Donald Trump: a man so unqualified for office that his entire candidacy is being run on insults and blatant lies. Like, really blatant. All the blatant.

Let’s forget that he didn’t really want the job in the first place and ran for president only because it has proven to be an easy fistful of cash every few years. Being in the public eye is free publicity for all of his businesses, from his bottled water, to his resorts and golf courses, to his line of cheese-puff-dust-turned-self-tanner. It’s a sound business decision that he happily torpedoed every four years by being a bombastic asshat once his coffers were full.

If you’re from Louisiana and have a problem with corrupt politicians, you shouldn’t be voting anyway.

 

This is the moment when the few Republicans still looking at the presidential race like it’s college football will start screaming about Hillary being awful and corrupt. They aren’t wrong, but if you’re from Louisiana and have a problem with corrupt politicians, you shouldn’t be voting anyway.

Yes, Hillary is corrupt, but it’s in a way we can understand. It’s comforting to see someone so saturated in lies and scandal still marching toward the Oval Office with her head held high. She’s also the only one of the two candidates to actually hold office; plus, she lived in the White House for eight years and got a view of how it works from a perspective few are afforded before assuming the office.

Clinton has a Juris Doctor from Yale. She left the university to immediately join the political world, advising the House Judiciary Committee during the Watergate scandal.

Trump has a B.S. in economics from Wharton. He oversaw the renovation of one of his father’s properties in New York. Trump mostly stuck to real estate ventures with the help of very experienced people surrounding him to limit his failed business investments, such as purchasing the New Jersey Generals, selling them, and then buying them back before the USFL collapsed under his direction.

He also was Mike Tyson’s financial adviser.

Hillary Clinton taught and practiced law before experiencing government up close and personal on the state and national levels, and then serving eight years as a U.S. senator and four as secretary of state.

Is she dirty, underhanded, and conniving? Yes! But in a way that will keep the ball rolling while we as a country sit back, catch our breath, and figure out how to promote competent and trustworthy candidates eight years from now.

Remember: He’d be wandering around the planet yelling this stuff at foreign leaders on your behalf. The president has a well-stocked nuclear bunker and an escape plan. You do not.

Unfortunately, the angry conservatives who just want a rich white guy back in office have soaked up Drumpf’s B.S. rhetoric as he mounts the pulpit again and again to scream out the most obscene ignorance he can come up with on the fly in an attempt to turn them off. But like David Vitter being yelled at by a dominatrix for crapping his diaper, it only seems to get them going.

So, this month, I’m offering you quotes from a man seeking to attain the highest office on the planet in a time when we as a country are witnessing escalating tensions on a global scale. Remember: He’d be wandering around the planet yelling this stuff at foreign leaders on your behalf. The president has a well-stocked nuclear bunker and an escape plan. You do not.

It’s like voting for the kid in the locker room who tells the bully that you made fun of his mother before running out into the gym to yell “Fight!” so kids will rush in and watch while he sells them candy bars. Just think on it.

No one will see you vote in November (aside from the NSA, FBI, CIA, Anonymous, Russian and Chinese hackers, and whoever decides to check WikiLeaks and Edward Snowden’s Twitter page). You can tell everyone whatever you want when you leave the booth. Say you voted for Trump. Say you voted for Gary Johnson or Jill Stein. Hell, say you voted for James Hedges, of the Prohibition Party.

Just don’t doom the Earth while you’re in there.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): “Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.” Perhaps Trump’s most telling and well-known quote, which outlines his motivation for staying in the race this long. At 70, how much money do you need? The presidency is just one more thing to “get.”

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again – just watch. He can do better!” (1) How do dogs cheat on people? My dogs have never cheated on me. We barely cuddle. (2) No. No, he can’t.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): “I was down there, and I watched our police and our firemen, down on 7/11, down at the World Trade Center, right after it came down.” How do you even make your mouth say the date wrong?

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” I think he should prove it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?” He asked his foreign policy adviser this question. Three times. In one meeting.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): “We won with the poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.” We know. Your promo item of choice is a cheap trucker’s cap.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): “He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.” Trump (four-time draft dodger) said this of John McCain (POW for 5½ years, during which he was severely tortured, and recipient of the Navy Commendation Medal, Legion of Merit, Purple Heart, Bronze Star Medal, and Silver Star, among others).

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” I think he should prove it.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): “He referred to my hands: If they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I guarantee it.” The 70-year-old, then-future Republican nominee for president of the United States defended his penis size during a GOP presidential debate.

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever.” Megyn Kelly asked Trump difficult questions. He responded by referring to her menses.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): “I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me. … I would bomb the shit out of them.” No, he doesn’t. No, he wouldn’t.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): “You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” Conservative family values candidate in reference to one of the three mothers of his five children.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): “Now, the poor guy — you’ve got to see this guy. ‘Ah, I don’t know what I said! I don’t remember!’” This was said while he moaned and flailed his arms in the manner of a 5-year-old on the playground making fun of a mentally retarded person, in front of a crowd and on camera, in reference to New York Times reporter Serge Kovaleski, whose arthrogryposis restricts his arm movement.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

 

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About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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