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JULY HORRORSCOPES: Mick Jagger

HorrorscopesJuly is coming to a close, and I think we’re all pretty freaking happy about that. As a whole, July 2016 will go down in history as a complete and utter shitshow of a month with almost nothing to redeem its pointless 744 hours of hell.

Except for this one thing.

Mick Jagger got his girlfriend pregnant. He’s 72; she’s 29. So that’s weird.

“Here’s a selfie of me bottle-feeding my great-grand-uncle.” That’s a thing someone is going to have to say for real in the world now.

Also, he already has a bunch of kids between the ages of 17 and 45. Not only has he impregnated yet another human being with his mummy-dust semen, but it’s someone younger than several of his offspring. And that young someone will be giving birth to a child younger than his current, living, and totally perplexed great-grandchild. “Here’s a selfie of me bottle-feeding my great-grand-uncle.” That’s a thing someone is going to have to say for real in the world now.

 

When I pointed this weirdness out on the internets, I received a comment from an older but not quite elderly woman who argued that she knows some pretty active and healthy people in their 70s. These people, I retorted, are not Mick Jagger. Let me tell you about how he’s spent his life.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): Mick Jagger hasn’t been eating vegan and doing yoga for the past 50 years. His body has been a walking air filter/dialysis machine since before the Beatles were wearing suits. Mick Jagger is a 72-year-old with the body of an Irish bog mummy.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Mick Jagger starts his day with a human-heart-and-used-cigarette-filter smoothie.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): I met Mick Jagger in a bar once, and he stole my pint of Russian Imperial Stout, chugged it, then ate the glass.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): Mick Jagger’s teeth are made out of teeth he snatched out of the mouths of groupies with his tongue during sex.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): One time, Mick Jagger made love to a garbage truck because he felt its headlights were “being disrespectful.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Joe Perry collapsed onstage last week because Mick Jagger said his name out loud while holding a Marriott hotel copy of the Book of Mormon.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): One time, Mick Jagger made love to a garbage truck because he felt its headlights were “being disrespectful.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Mick Jagger breathes fire, but not like a dragon: He has a respirator full of butane that he lights on fire then inhales deeply from.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): On April 26, 1986, Mick Jagger sprinkled cocaine on a rice cake, crushed it into a fine powder, and used it to do key bumps with Mikhail Gorbachev. On the same day, a nuclear reactor at Chernobyl exploded. The events are supposedly unrelated.

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Mick Jagger writes all of Melania Trump’s speeches.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Andre the Giant once challenged Mick Jagger to a drinking contest. Jagger belched moistly into his open mouth. Andre the Giant woke up three days later with a hangover, believing he was Jesus Christ.

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Aliens landed on Earth on Feb. 26, 1977, in order to convince Mick Jagger to talk to Keith Richards about his heroin use. He threatened to break the egg containing his and David Bowie’s love child unless they quit harassing him.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Mick Jagger has neither time nor inclination to mention me in conversation. My life is the existence of a fruit fly in the well-stocked bar of a Gulfstream jet owned by a drug-wrecked rock-star-turned-rap-lyric as he spills Louis XIII down the front of his silk shirt and jokes about his pregnant girlfriend not even being born when he made the worst music video ever created with a now dead legend.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

 

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About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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