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JUNE HORRORSCOPES: Chill Out

HorrorscopesWelcome to what’s left of June, home of the first day of summer, according to your calendar. For those of us unfortunate enough to reside in hell’s armpit during the warmer months, we know summer actually begins right around March and runs through the beginning of November. Frankly, I’m tired of all those people residing in places with discernible seasons getting to create the official dates for things.

This month, I’ve taken the time to come up with some topically relevant ways to stay cool. Hang in there, Shtickers, and we just might last long enough to get to our first hurricane.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): Enjoy the icy stares of millennials when you ask them whether they’re still “feeling the Bern.”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Soak up the cool responses from Republicans when reporters confront them with actual quotes from Donald Trump.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Fan yourself in the breeze kicked up by thousands of overpriced assault rifles flying off the shelves following yet another high-profile mass shooting.

 

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): Bathe in the cold sweat of rednecks trying to consolidate their homophobia with their Islamophobia.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Chill out in a kiddie pool filled with a barrel of WTI crude for less than the price of a decent steak dinner.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Fan yourself in the breeze kicked up by thousands of overpriced assault rifles flying off the shelves following yet another high-profile mass shooting.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Set sail in the ever-growing sea of underqualified Baton Rouge mayoral candidates.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Grab a shake at one of the dozens of midrange burger joints that have popped up in the past year or so and will totally be there a year from now.

warcraft-movieAQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Take a nap in any of the air-conditioned theaters showing the Warcraft movie. It’ll be empty enough that you shouldn’t be disturbed, since U.S. blockbusters are now being marketed to Chinese audiences.

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Take a trip to sunny Orlando and get a great deal at any of Disney’s oddly vacant water parks.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Fly down to Rio for the Olympics and get a great deal on one of the many, many available five-star suites in the hotel of your choice.

Lee High School Baton RougeTAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Get a tour of the new Bruce/Harper/Spike/anyone but Robert E. Lee Magnet High School.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Buy yourself a snow cone. Goodness knows you’re going to crave them in September when all the stands shut down after school starts back up.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

 

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About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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SEPTEMBER HORRORSCOPES: Words of Wisdom

He’d be wandering around the planet yelling this stuff at foreign leaders on your behalf. The president has a well-stocked nuclear bunker and an escape plan. You do not.