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APRIL HORRORSCOPES: The Fool That Keeps on Foolin’

HorrorscopesWelcome to April! It’s been nice around here so far, what with Mother Nature gracing us with an unprecedented week or two of weather some would dare to call seasonable for spring.

Naturally, this is a total ruse. Anyone who’s lived in Louisiana for at least one full rotation of the seasons knows that Mother Nature spends most of her time in our state getting tanked on Bourbon Street and passing out on the “Oppressive Heat” button of her weather console.

Speaking of buttons, Google got on quite a few people’s wrong sides by tacking a “Mic Drop” button into Gmail on April Fools’ Day that allowed people to tack a minion into their outgoing emails. This in itself isn’t all that funny; however, countless people hitting it on accident and sending important emails to bosses, clients, and family members of the recently deceased certainly has the faint aroma of humor to it.

Every good Shticker out there knows the best day to celebrate April Fools’ is all month long. So hit ’em when they least expect it with one of Horrorscopes’ riffs on classic pranks.

Google apologized for the error in judgment, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Every good Shticker out there knows the best day to celebrate April Fools’ is all month long. So hit ’em when they least expect it with one of Horrorscopes’ riffs on classic pranks.

grass-keyboardARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): The Grass Seed Keyboard — This one involves placing a damp towel under the victim’s keyboard keys and covering it with grass seeds, which sprout up between the keys. Use marijuana seeds instead and alert your boss to the illegal use of company property.

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Cling-Wrapped Car — A roll or two of plastic wrap can not only prevent the driver from getting into it but also will keep it fresh for weeks. Add a layer of squeezable sex lube in between layers for an added surprise.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Post-It Wallpaper — Covering someone’s walls in sticky notes has been done to death. Upgrade to Super Glue and strong pornography from a gentleman’s magazine.

balloon-office-prankCANCER (June 22-July 22): Balloon-Filled Office — The fun of filling someone’s office with balloons (or anything, really) is watching them get rid of them all. Usually, they resort to popping them one at a time. Take advantage of this opportunity to use a gas other than air, like chlorine or farts.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Insect Cutouts in the Lights — Putting paper bug silhouettes in the lights makes it look like there are giant bugs casting shadows from inside the fixtures. It’s also way more work than simply purchasing Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches from the pet store and slipping them inside the light housing.

Covering someone’s walls in sticky notes has been done to death. Upgrade to Super Glue and strong pornography from a gentleman’s magazine.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Jell-O’d Office Supplies — Made popular by both versions of The Office, encasing a co-worker’s stapler in translucent gelatin is too cute for us. Stick with a large mold, but use petroleum jelly, which doesn’t require time to set and can be purchased in surprisingly large quantities at Wal-Mart.

water-cups-office-prankLIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): You Shall Not Pass — Covering the mark’s floor with cups half-filled with water takes the kind of dedication that demands appreciation from your victim no matter how annoyed he is. He’ll be so much more impressed when he realizes how long it took you to save up all that pee.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Truckful of Pea Gravel — Pea gravel is relatively inexpensive enough to justify buying plenty to fill the bed of a pickup truck. It’s impossible to get rid of and rattles around every time you take a turn. Substitute one big rock. In the windshield.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Semen Doughnuts — You know the joke. Give your victim a bunch of Bavarian Crème doughnuts, and when she eats her way to the bottom, she finds a picture of you ejaculating into them. I find it’s near impossible to time the picture right when you’re taking it of yourself. See if that guy who swears he’s willing to “work for food” will fill a few Dunkin’ Donuts jelly “shells” in exchange for a dozen glazed.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Big Bowl of Chips — Leaving out a big bowl of potato chips is guaranteed to break the resolutions of those last remaining New Year’s dieters, especially if you sprinkle them with the heroin that is just flooding the streets of our fair city.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Desk Full of Crickets — Crickets are great for pranks because you can get a ton of them cheap, they make infrequent but very annoying noise, and though the first 90 are easy to catch, the last 10 are guaranteed to be devious little desk guerillas. You know what else you can buy by the swarm? Bees.

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Upside-Down Water — Everyone has seen this at least once and knows it’s easily handled with a bucket to catch the water as you slide the glass to the edge of the table. Create a moral dilemma by putting a small water snake in the glass before flipping it over.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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