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LSU Seeks to Help Offset Budget Cuts by Charging Admission to Campus Glory Holes

Facing more looming, drastic cuts to higher education by state leaders, LSU administrators are looking to enact some creative ways to generate additional revenue, such as imposing fees to enter restroom stalls equipped with holes used for anonymous sex.

LSU President F. King Alexander said university officials are open to any and all ideas — including charging admission to access the flagship university’s infamous “glory holes” — to help make up for what is shaping up to be another significant disinvestment in the state’s colleges and universities by the legislature in an effort to deal with Louisiana’s growing budget crisis.

LSU President F. King Alexander
LSU President F. King Alexander

“There’s something about glory holes at LSU that continues to attract people looking to engage in anonymous fellatio and hand jobs,” Alexander asserted. “Maybe it’s the decadeslong tradition, maybe it’s the mystique, but no matter how many times the holes get covered by employees, and no matter how many people get arrested, the holes keep popping back up, and people keep putting their penises in them.”

Alexander cited the recent arrest and resignation of a Walker city prosecutor — and serial LSU glory hole user — as an example of the unrelenting allure of LSU’s glory holes.

“Why not turn those semen streams into a revenue stream?”

“Five years after being banned from Tureaud Hall because he was caught using a glory hole there, a 60-year-old lawyer came all the way from Livingston Parish and risked his career as a city prosecutor to use a glory hole in Tureaud Hall again. Now that’s brand loyalty,” Alexander explained. “And that’s just one person who happened to get caught. There’s no telling how many other closeted men are using campus restrooms to achieve the thrill of giving pleasure to and/or receiving pleasure from an unknown person on the other side of a partition.”

Alexander continued, “Whether it’s Tureaud Hall’s multiple glory holes or Coates Hall’s legendary glory hole, the demand is certainly there. So why not turn those semen streams into a revenue stream? It’s not like we’re the ones servicing strangers for money, although we haven’t completely ruled out that option.”

While the exact price of admission has yet to be determined, Alexander said the plan calls for turning glory-hole-equipped stalls around campus into pay toilet stalls with locks that can be opened by inserting cash or swiping a credit or debit card. He added that students will be able to pay for glory hole access with TigerCASH, the school’s student-ID-card-based debit system.

Once the plan is enacted, according to Alexander, LSU will launch a promotional campaign with the slogan “Help us fill our budget hole by filling a glory hole.”

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Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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