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SPHINCTER SPOTLIGHT: Ascension Parish President Kenny Matassa – Outlawer of Secrets

Sphincter Spotlight

Ladies, do you want everyone to know your true age? If you’ve actually gotten Botox treatments? If the carpet really matches the drapes?

Guys, do you want everyone to know if that’s your real hair? If you shave your balls? The quantity and type of porn you have stashed away?

Probably not. We all have secrets, and usually with good reason.

But try telling that to Ascension Parish President Kenny Matassa, who said at his inauguration Monday that “secrets are now effectively outlawed.”

What kind of transparent, totalitarian dystopia did Matassa turn Ascension Parish into within a mere matter of minutes after being sworn into office? Answer: a swampy hellscape where secrets are prohibited!

McDonald’s secret sauce? No longer secret.

The recipe for Raising Cane’s sauce? Out in the open.

Victoria’s Secret? Yeah, right!

Best of luck, Ascension residents, if you enjoy walking around Wal-Mart with a butt plug in your rectum.

Sure, everybody there will know your name. But everybody there will also know the name you gave your private parts. And the name you like being called during kinky roleplay. And your safe word. And your internet passwords. Like, all of them.

Why? Because Kenny Matassa has effectively outlawed secrets, which ostensibly means he will have a literal secret police squad to enforce his ban on secrets.

So best of luck, Ascension residents, if you enjoy walking around Wal-Mart with a butt plug in your rectum. Thanks to Matassa and his ban on secrets, everyone will know why you have that wry smile on your face while you’re getting your car’s oil changed.

And God help you if dropped a dumpster baby at your senior prom. Unless you want your husband, your entire family, and all your neighbors and coworkers to know about that tragic mistake in your past, don’t live in Kenny Matassa’s Ascension Parish.

Might we suggest moving to Livingston Parish? The school system is just as good, and the other rednecks there relatively mind their own business.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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