Are you an aspiring murderer but afraid that taking someone else’s life might destroy yours? Worried that, if you follow through with killing that person you’ve been really wanting to off, you’d possibly spend most — if not the entirety — of the rest of your life in prison?
Good news! You have an ally in the judicial system who may very well let you get away with murder!
State District Court Judge Trudy White may very well be the best thing to happen for murder suspects since Johnny Cochran. Just ask Tajh Harris.
Harris is the 23-year-old Baton Rouge man prosecutors claim literally “got away with murder” when White found him not guilty of second-degree murder in the 2014 shooting death of Javontia Davis. In fact, East Baton Rouge Parish District Attorney Hillar Moore III said he and Baton Rouge police won’t even bother reopening the case or search for other suspects since they’re confident Davis’ killer was Harris, whom White acquitted in a bench trial last month.
Now, any judge can simply acquit a murder suspect whom multiple witnesses pointed out as the killer in a case wherein the DA seemingly proved guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. However, it takes a real champion of the crime-committing community, like the Honorable Judge White, to take the time and care to introduce such acquittals with a nearly half-hour-long preamble to practically make everyone forget why the defendant is on trial in the first place.
One man’s wanton, rambling judicial activism is another man’s get-out-of-jail-free card.
Before declaring Harris not guilty on December 16, White spoke in open court about numerous, ostensibly irrelevant, topics, including a history of North Baton Rouge, industrial pollution, white flight, substandard public schools, the etymology of the name “Istrouma,” the Reagan administration’s “war on drugs,” “charter schools operated by for-profit foreign corporations with questionable track records,” and “BREC’s 2007 policy decision to direct recreational amenities away from neighborhood parks to community parks.”
While some may deem these issues irrelevant, a judge of White’s caliber apparently sees them as “mitigating circumstances.” One man’s wanton, rambling judicial activism is another man’s get-out-of-jail-free card.
And no grandiose prologue to a questionable acquittal would be complete without citing a significant portion of the lyrics to The Temptations’ 1970 hit song “Ball of Confusion.” Nor would it be complete without subsequently and repeatedly citing a literal “ball of confusion” as a metaphor to discount the testimony of sworn witnesses.
A few months earlier, White reversed a jury’s unanimous second-degree murder conviction of 50-year-old Derrick Bland, who killed his brother-in-law James Stockton in 2013. White found Bland — who shot Stockton three times before walking up to him and shooting him three more times as he lay on the ground, according to trial testimony — guilty of negligent homicide instead.
Most duly elected members of the judiciary don’t have the guts to overturn a jury’s unanimous murder conviction, which carries a mandatory life sentence in Louisiana, and reduce it to a negligent homicide conviction, with its maximum sentence of five years in prison. That’s especially true when the guilty party deliberately shot a family member multiple times at close range.
Nevertheless, the only thing greater than White’s bravery is apparently Bland’s liver. Bland’s lawyer contends his client continuously drank alcohol for over 10 straight hours before the shooting, without eating anything all day. According to his attorney, Bland drank over half a gallon of “pure alcohol in addition to as much as a case of beer,” and that his intoxication “prevented him from forming any intent to commit second-degree murder.”
The only thing greater than White’s bravery is apparently Bland’s liver.
Judge White’s benevolence toward murder suspects and other criminal defendants was actually promoted by White herself during her 2014 re-election bid in a campaign video, ostensibly shot in her 19th Judicial District courtroom, featuring White and a man in an orange jumpsuit claiming he “ain’t gonna be here for that long, because Judge Trudy White is fixing to send me back home.” He also promises White will “show you some love.”
So if you’re considering committing murder but don’t want the hassle of extensive jail time, here are four simple, proven steps to get away with murder:
- On the day of the murder, get really fuuuuuuuuuuuucked up. Don’t eat a thing all day, and be sure to drink enough liquor to kill a horse while not dying of alcohol poisoning yourself.
- Draw Trudy White as your judge. (This step is VERY IMPORTANT.)
- Request a bench trial. (If you’re still too drunk or brain-damaged from all the alcohol to remember this step, don’t worry. Even if a jury unanimously convicts you of murder, Judge White will see to it that you barely see the inside of a prison cell.)
- Tell your lawyer to employ the “Chewbacca defense.” If your lawyer doesn’t know what that is, fire him or her and get one who does. If you can’t hire an attorney who knows the Chewbacca defense, represent yourself at trial. Chances are, you’ll still get off.
In conclusion, we say kudos to Judge Trudy White, and good murdering, Baton Rouge!