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It’s Time to Vote for David Vitter

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The race for Louisiana governor is now down to state Rep. John Bel Edwards and U.S. Sen. David Vitter, and I implore the people of the great state of Louisiana to vote for Sen. Vitter.

Sure, at first glance, casting your vote for the guy who has a history of cavorting with hookers and hiring private investigators to spy on his political foes may seem repugnant. But that’s selfish thinking right there.

What about the rest of the country? Sure, they don’t actually have to live with the consequences of Vitter’s decisions — but they sure as hell get to enjoy hearing that we’ve elected another morally bankrupt man to lead us. Who are we to deny them that?

There is nothing more Louisianian than a governor who likes his hookers and his political dirty tricks. How can we be handed such a perfect continuation of our colorful gubernatorial legacy and then spurn it for some leftist hippie with a clean background?

Madness, I tell you. Pure madness.

Nor should we stop with the rest of the nation. There are also the schoolchildren to consider. The children of this fine state are, at some point, probably going to hit some Common Core question about Louisiana governors. Do you really believe the “Army dude” is going to be easier to remember than “Mr. hookers and diapers” for your average student? No way. A vote for Vitter is a vote for easier civic exams, and anyone who supports good education should, therefore, be on board with Vitter.

Every day, scores of dedicated investigative journalists hit the streets trying to find things our leaders do that we should know about. If we prove we simply don’t give a shit, maybe they’ll quit trying.

Finally, the most important reason of all to vote for Vitter: Electing him will prove that personal foibles don’t matter when it comes to holding elected office, at least in this state. That sort of reassuring realization will help cut down on pointless, wasteful investigative reporting that digs up such facts and then parades them in front of us as if knowing such things is somehow supposed to influence our decision-making process.

Every day, scores of dedicated investigative journalists hit the streets (well, proverbially; they do a lot of work via phone and email) trying to find things our leaders do that we should know about. If we prove we simply don’t give a shit, maybe they’ll quit trying. This misguided effort could then be put toward more advantageous uses — like covering who Katy Perry is sleeping with or which Kardashian just had plastic surgery.

You know you’re curious about both of those. So vote for Vitter, and maybe we’ll find out.

John Bel Edwards: Certified hippie.
John Bel Edwards: Certified hippie.

Or vote for that other guy, and we’ll have some kinda leftist mini-Obama coup here in the Pelican State. I mean, Edwards led an infantry company in the 82nd Airborne, for crying out loud. What is that, some sort of Peace Corps by plane? I’ve never heard of the 82nd, but I’m sure it’s one of those failed liberal attempts to win hearts and minds by handing out food or digging wells or singing kumbaya.

We need a real man in the Governor’s Mansion. The kind of man who sees what he wants and takes it. A rugged individualist, confident and strong. The kind of guy who has to pay to get laid. A man’s man.

And that’s why it’s time to vote for Vitter.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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About Jared Kendall

Jared Kendall
A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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