Hooters CEO: “No Rival Biker Gangs Here. Just Orange Shorts and Titties.”

Following a deadly shootout among five rival motorcycle gangs at a Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco, TX, the head of the Hooters restaurant chain reminded Americans that they can still eat subpar food served by garishly sluttified women in relative safety at his company’s eateries.

In a statement released yesterday, Hooters CEO Terrance M. Marks called Sunday’s bloody conflict — which left nine dead, 18 wounded, and scores in police custody — “a tragedy that would never happen at Hooters because our management would never invite such a congregation of violent criminals,” and added, “hardcore biker gang members prefer Twin Peaks over Hooters because they have hotter, sluttier-looking girls.”

Marks said of the Hooters chain, “There are no rival biker gangs here. Just orange shorts and titties. And pantyhose, because our girls may dress like tramps, but they aren’t whores.”

“Hardcore biker gang members prefer Twin Peaks over Hooters because they have hotter, sluttier-looking girls.”

His statement draws a contrast between Hooters and Twin Peaks, both of which are known for below-average food and wait staffs consisting of scantily clad young women “working their way through college.”

Twin-Peaks-Waco_Shooting
At Twin Peaks, the waitresses aren’t the only ones with double-barreled weapons.

“At Hooters,” Marks said, “families can enjoy greasy, diarrhea-inducing wings served by 7s acting like 9s who don’t mind rubbing their breasts all over husbands, boyfriends, and prepubescent boys — as well as providing horrible role models for young girls — all in an environment wherein the chances of catching a stray bullet from a member of the Bandidos is practically nil. That’s because the only hostile projectiles you’ll find at Hooters are barely covered by skin-tight Hooters tank tops.”

Marks concluded his statement by mentioning that, unlike Twin Peaks, the only criminal activity sanctioned by Hooters management is found on the menu.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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