1. You just clicked on a clickbait article, a sure sign you’re probably bored and looking for excitement in places where you’ll only find utter disappointment.
2. You clicked on an article that says you should seek treatment for depression, so you’re obviously depressed. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have clicked.
3. The headline said “Number 3 will make you want to kill yourself,” yet you clicked away with reckless, fatalistic abandon and total disregard for protecting yourself from suicidal prompting.
4. What the hell are you still doing reading this? Seriously, close this browser window and get professional help immediately.
5. OK, obviously, you just want to stay depressed. Fine, here’s a link to that super-super-sad animal abuse commercial with Sarah McLachlan. Enjoy your misery.
6. Did watching that make you feel better? No, it didn’t! It made you feel even more depressed than you already were. Plus, watching that didn’t do a damn thing to alleviate the suffering of those animals, which should make you feel even more depressed.
7. Even if you aren’t depressed, what’s the harm in seeking treatment? Better safe than sorry.
8. Seriously, though, you’re a clickbait clicker. Chances are you’ve got some serious issues to work out.
9. It’s covered under Obamacare.
10. We just enticed you to waste an entire, precious minute of your life — a minute you will never get back – with a ridiculous headline. If you weren’t depressed before, you should be now, and in need of treatment.