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SPHINCTER SPOTLIGHT: Jeremiah Heaton – Asshat Father of Princess

Sphincter Spotlight

In a bid to claim the title of “world’s most egotistical dad,” Jeremiah Heaton, of Virginia, recently planted a flag on some godforsaken corner of the world between Egypt and Sudan so that his daughter could become a “princess.”

​Like many asinine ideas, this one was initially carried out online. After being shocked to discover that his 7-year-old daughter wanted to be a princess, Heaton discovered that a godforsaken patch of desert called Bir Tawil wasn’t claimed by any country.

Others had tried to “claim” Bir Tawil in the past, but they hadn’t done so in person. Apparently, they hoped that just posting “First!” on a message board might do the trick.

Sensibly, he immediately set out to do what no other Internet asshole had done: stick an actual flag in that bitch.

​Others had tried to “claim” Bir Tawil in the past, but they hadn’t done so in person. Apparently, they hoped that just posting “First!” on a message board might do the trick.

Heaton, being no such moron, knew that if he really wanted to take first place in the douchebag Olympics, he’d need to go there in person. So, go he did.

Opening line in Vegas is 2:5 she'll grow up to be a total cunt.
In 12 years, North Sudan will be renamed Cuntistan.

After 14 hours by caravan through the desert, not to mention countless days spent inflating his self-importance to the extent that he thought his own magical snowflake deserved such treatment, Heaton arrived and proved that his daughter was royalty through the time-honored whitey tradition of thrusting his erect flagpole into the virgin territory.

​After all, why not? As Heaton points out, nobody lives there – just a bunch of Bedouins who roam the area. We at The Red Shtick suppose that, to Heaton, these roaming Bedouins don’t count as “living.” They have no mailing address and hardly ever go online.

Plus, they lack that most essential resource: a flag. Heaton, on the other hand, was able to use his advanced Western imperialist heritage to create one. Kudos to him.

Heaton won’t be satisfied until he badgers various African nations to recognize his claim.

​Yes, in a world where every other father with the sense God gave a dromedary responds to his 7-year-old-daughter’s princess wishes with a visit to the nearest Disney property and a character meet-and-greet, Heaton won’t be satisfied until he badgers various African nations to recognize his claim. His next step is to ask Sudan and Egypt to recognize his made-up Kingdom of North Sudan. No word yet on how these two actual nations have responded to his enormously pressing issue.

Princess-Emily-Heaton
Boko Haram can’t wait for Princess Emily to visit her kingdom.

​Heaton isn’t entirely tone-deaf, however. He’s a true hero of the people who vaguely hopes to turn his new kingdom into an agricultural hub for the area. After all, “a lot of technology has gone into agriculture and water.”

​He has a point. In fact, there’s a great place Heaton can learn about precisely that sort of technology: Epcot. In Disney World. The same fucking place his girl could’ve been a princess without some brain-addled American wandering in the desert and planting flags in the sand.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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