Bieber Just Making Musical History

Justin-Bieber-King-Joffrey

When we last left our third-favorite Canadian superstar Justin Bieber (Rob Ford and Chad Kroeger being No. 1 and No. 2), he was busying himself by vomiting on a stage somewhere. Oh, how innocent we all were in those days! The days of sock hops and sodie fountains! Gas was a nickel!

This is America, and we won’t stand for this nonsense, Justin. Who do you think you are? The lost Trailer Park Boy?

However, for the past few months, our boy wonder has been a busy and bad little Bieber – drag racing with his Pops, popping Xanax bars with dear old Mum, drinking cough syrup on purpose, egging neighbors, smoking Miami kush, being carried along the Great Wall of China by a bodyguard, assaulting limo drivers, peeing in odd places, sexting his ex, banging Brazilian hookers, and just generally behaving like a goddamn American all over the place.

This is America, and we won’t stand for this nonsense, Justin. Who do you think you are? The lost Trailer Park Boy?

King Shithead’s exploits may seem innocent to some, especially if you jump into the time machine of your mind and think about some of the absolutely crazy stunts, disasters, and crimes singers and musicians have been orchestrating, perpetrating, and sometimes getting away with since the first caveman strung some wooly mammoth hair over a cigar box. The first cigar box. I don’t know, man. I wasn’t there!

Hmmm. Now why would Keith and the queen want to kill me?

Hmmm. Now why would Keith and the queen want to kill me?

First time machine stop: July 2, 1969, East Sussex, England. It is widely agreed upon that on this night, Brian Jones, an original member of the Rolling Stones, was murdered at home in his swimming pool by Keith Richards and Queen Elizabeth II while Mick Jagger and David Bowie were having sex upstairs in the house. Keith Richards went to karma court and was sentenced to one full free fall from a coconut tree, a sentence he completed in 2006. The queen was never prosecuted. The remaining Rolling Stones went on to tour for 1,000 more years.

Next, we jump forward to February 2003, Alhambra, CA. Millionaire music producer Phil Spector, famous for his work with everyone from Tina Turner to The Beatles, stands stunned in the foyer of his mansion with a gun in his hand. The most popular song on the charts at this time was Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” an anthem for people who enjoy words that rhyme with “Mekhi Phifer.”

HBO later made a movie about his trial, with Patti LuPone playing the part of Spector.

Phil Spector is not listening to it, nor is he eating Mom’s spaghetti, but his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, because he just shot the waitress he brought home to look at his etchings after dinner. After two highly publicized trials, a jury finally pronounced him guilty of murder and fucking terrible hair, and he was sentenced to 19 years to life.

The human dandelion Phil Spector.

The human dandelion Phil Spector.

HBO later made a movie about his trial, with Patti LuPone playing the part of Spector. Long suspected of being a Hobbit, especially after rumors swirled that his California driver’s license listed his home address as “The Shire,” these allegations against Spector have not ever been proven.

We love to laugh about him now, but make no bones about it: Rick James was a coked-out megabeast – not just “back in the day,” but for most of his days.

The most popular object in Buffalo to snort cocaine off of.

The most popular object in Buffalo to snort cocaine off of.

It’s 1991 in Los Angeles, off Mulholland Drive. Rick James, famous for his ode to joy “Superfreak” and for boot-fucking Eddie Murphy’s furniture, accompanied by his girlfriend, Tanya Hijazi – both well-known connoisseurs of rock cocaine – decide it’s a damn good day to kidnap a chick, a decision that outside of rom-coms rarely works out well. After forcing their 24-year-old victim to perform 68 on Tanya, they tied her to a chair and burned her with crack pipes.

Did I forget the part where the trio smoked crack four days straight? Darkness, indeed.

Eventually James did two years in Folsom Prison for his crimes. He died in 2004 with traces of cocaine in his system, possibly leftover from the ’80s.

Do you love your cousins? I love my cousins, but I don’t LOVE my cousins, ifyaknowwhatimean.

Rick James died in 2004 with traces of cocaine in his system, possibly leftover from the ’80s.

That's what The Killer thinks of your "societal norms."

That’s what The Killer thinks of your “societal norms.”

But in May 1958, the world found out that the whole lotta shaking going on at rock pioneer Jerry Lee Lewis’ Ferriday, LA, home was happening between him and his 13-year-old first cousin, Myra Brown. But it was OK, right? Because he married her? Afraid not. He was blacklisted on U.S. radio and went from making ten grand per show to barely scraping by.

The couple divorced in 1970, but Lewis’ career never fully recovered. Tragically, this is only the second-most embarrassing thing about him, because Jimmy Swaggart is also his cousin.

George Michael, you beautiful disaster, you. These days, our Georgie spends a lot of time either high or sleeping off a high in his car, but back in April 1998, he was found taking the law into his own hands so to speak at Will Rogers Memorial Park in Beverly Hills.

Puts the WHAM! in "Wham! Bam! Thank you, sir!"

Puts the WHAM! in “Wham! Bam! Thank you, sir!”

I can’t say exactly what Michael was up to, because this is a fucking family friendly site, so here are some euphemisms: He was allegedly “badgering the witness,” “blowing his own horn,” “debugging the hard drive,” “firing the pound gun,” “honing his cone,” and/or possibly “roughing the suspect.” He pled no contest to jerking the gherkin and paid an $810 fine.

When our little pony Justin Bieber was released from jail in Florida after his DUI arrest, he climbed on top of his car and waved to the throngs of awaiting reporters and fans, later sharing a side-by-side picture on his Instagram account comparing that exit and wave to pop icon Michael Jackson’s infamous top-of-the-car ride during his last child molestation trial in 2005.

What a shame these two didn't get a chance to

What a shame these two didn’t get a chance to “hang out together” more.

In June of that year, millions of white folks around the country clasped their pearls in horror when Jackson, long dogged by accusations of being a pedophile, was found not guilty of 14 counts related to the molestation of a child and unlicensed Jesus Juice.

The even bigger scandal for Jackson, though, occurred in 1994, when the first allegations emerged that he violated Lisa Marie Presley at that year’s MTV Video Music Awards. Any list of musical scandals would be incomplete without mentioning that truly dark day in American history.

Justin Bieber, hate him or hate him, is just following in the footsteps, blood trails, and urine stains that his musical forebears have set forth. As the Dalai Lama says, “Let those amongst you who have never known the joys of being a 19-year-old asshole throw the first eggs.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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