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Penis. I say that because we’re about to talk about pornography, and it annoys me when my readers snicker in a juvenile manner while reading what I’ve written. So I’ve provided this paragraph as a sort of pre-article snicker opportunity. That said, vagina. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. Vulva. Uvula. Oh, wait, scratch that last one.

pornhub-rejected-adAnd now, the article proper.

Every so often, hobbies collide, bringing two great things together. Sorta like chocolate and peanut butter turning into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Or, in my case, porn and data.

Esteemed purveyor of the ejaculatory arts Pornhub has released a data visualization showing the most popular porn search terms by state, as well as the average amount of time spent on Pornhub, again broken down by state, all right here at this link. Just click on a particular state on the map to see its stats.

How often do you get to count the number of states that include “creampie” as their top porn search term and refer to the process as “work research”?

Now, like most males, I’m a pornography fan. It just so happens I’m also a huge Tableau junkie. So, a Tableau visualization of porn is almost too good to be true. Plus, how often do you get to count the number of states that include “creampie” as their top porn search term and refer to the process as “work research”?

Speaking of “working,” our illustrious comedian-in-chief, Jeremy White, porned, er, pored over the numbers to notice:

  • Arkansas was the only state with “Lesbian” among its top three search terms. They probably think those girls licking each other really are sisters in real life.
  • Hawaii cums off a bit conceited since it’s the only state that had its own name in its top three.
  • Only two states have “anal” listed as a leading search term: Oklahoma & Montana. And Montana is the only state with “wife” in its top three, meaning 2/3 of its most common search terms are “anal” and “wife.” Something else besides the sky is big up there.
  • G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GONORRHEA!

    G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GONORRHEA!

    “Anita Queen” is in Nevada’s top three. That’s not a category. That is a particular starlet. I’m more curious about that than whatever the hell they’re doing in Area 51.

  • Idaho is the only state with “parody” in its top three. Who knew so many people in the Gem State enjoy seeing Shaggy getting shagged by Velma? Zoinks!
  • West Virginia is the only state with “BBW” (big beautiful women) among its three most common search terms. Given that the state is 94% white, you can’t blame that on black people, unless you count the soot from all those coal mines.
  • Wyoming has both “smoking” and “brcc” (backroom casting couch, not Baton Rouge Community College) in its top three. No other state has either one of those listed. This sort of explains how that state could produce Dick Cheney.

I will say this: It’s nice to know that The Red Shtick staff collectively searches for “ebony,” “teen,” and “milf,” in that order. Those are the top three search terms for Louisiana, and given what we all know about how much time this particular group of degenerates spends on porn (just listen to a podcast if you don’t believe me), I’m fairly certain the results are mathematically guaranteed to be skewed to match our preferences. What’s more, I’m also confident that this is one of the few states where there are quite a few milf ebony teen moms (well, milf teen moms of all racial backgrounds, really) to go around.

On a final note, apparently, men aren’t particularly giving when they fantasize, either. Cunnilingus never even cracked the top three. Pun intended.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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