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“Candy Crush”: Shameless Online Porn

From The Publisher

WAFB recently ran a story about the insidiously addicting and annoyingly popular online game “Candy Crush Saga,” which is essentially porn without all the societal stigma.

If you’re reading this, chances are you either play “Candy Crush Saga” or know someone who does, mainly because most players on social media ostensibly can’t help but mention their moronic “Candy Crush” exploits and/or invite you to waste your life away playing with them. Too many “Crushers” are like hippies who have to tell you about their dreams.

I find it ironic how popular the online game is among women, given how many parallels there are between it and online pornography.

For those few who don’t know about King.com’s stupefacient digital narcotic (“crushing candy” sounds like a euphemism for drug use), it’s simply a variant of other “match three” games where the goal is to get at least three like objects in a row for them to go away, or in this case, get “crushed.” The objects to match in this game are various types of candies. It’s enough to give your computer Type II diabetes.

I find it ironic how popular the online game is among women, given how many parallels there are between it and online pornography. Seriously, “Candy Crush” is like porn you can discuss in mixed company.

First of all, there’s the obligatory, meaningless storyline. After all, it’s not just “Candy Crush.” It’s “Candy Crush Saga.”

That slut Toffette specializes in playing the "barely legal" role.
That slut Toffette specializes in playing the “barely legal” role.

And just like most adult films, the “Candy Crush Saga” narrative revolves around a girl – a trollop named Toffette who goes around “helping out” other characters so they can get what they want. Sound familiar?

Then there’s the distinctive, cheesy music. Instead of the notorious “bow-chicka-wow-wow” soundtrack, “Candy Crush Saga” features a trance-inducing, melodic earworm that’s reportedly like a siren song for players.

One “Candy Crush” addict featured in the WAFB story said, “I hear the music and I automatically go to the person who is playing it,” while another woman admitted, “It’s a very strong tune. You don’t forget it. I mean, you can be anywhere and you’ll remember the ‘Candy Crush’ song.”

“My significant other would rather [watch porn/play ‘Candy Crush’] than have sex with me.”

Plus, don’t forget about the rich, sultry baritone voice on “Candy Crush Saga” seductively cooing “sweet” and “tasty.” Mmmmm. Oooh, baby.

Just like most folks who watch online porn, most people who play “Candy Crush” do so without spending a dime. Similarly, people who actually whip out their credit cards to either view adult material or play an online game are seen as complete idiots by people who partake in these activities for free.

And of course, porn and “Candy Crush” often cause relationship problems. I can’t imagine how many people have thought or verbalized this sentiment: “My significant other would rather [watch porn/play ‘Candy Crush’] than have sex with me.”

Still not sold on the similitude between the two? I’ve got two words for you: “lag time.”

After five unsuccessful attempts to complete a game level, you’re required to “sit it out” before you’re able to “play again.” The minimum length of this “refractory period” is twenty minutes. Again, sound familiar, fellas?

Hell, with the glossy, idealized sweets being used to obtain a goal, I’d go so far as to say “Candy Crush Saga” objectifies candies and creates unrealistic expectations of what they should look like.

Quite honestly, I’m surprised some opportunistic, up-and-coming adult film actress hasn’t capitalized on the game’s notoriety yet. Kandi Krush could be a huge porn star, appearing exclusively in scenes where she does at least three guys in a row.

Yet despite the myriad similarities, only one of these activities is openly discussed on social or more traditional media (i.e., WAFB). While some women have no qualms about expressing their frustration in trying to get past a certain level, it’s not every day you see guys on Facebook post about problems downloading the lastest Asa Akira flick.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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About Jeremy White

Jeremy White
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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