With less than three years to go before the start of the 2016 Republican presidential primaries, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s presidential hopes suffered a setback last week when he was swallowed by a sinkhole. It was believed to be the first time a sitting Louisiana governor has fallen into a hole.
Reports from witnesses were conflicting. Some said they heard a belching sound shortly before the hole opened and swallowed the governor. Others said it sounded more like a fart. But all those present agreed that it was definitely a sound of gastronomical/geological origin.
This was the second setback to befall the governor’s presidential campaign in recent days, this one occurring shortly after Jindal’s dismal showing in the Conservative Political Action Conference’s straw poll. Jindal failed to obtain a single straw but blamed his poor poll results on a misunderstanding of the rules.
“I do my best thinking about Louisiana’s problems while I’m on a plane to somewhere else,” the governor noted.
“I gave my supporters drinking straws, but they only counted the ones made from hay,” he said.
Jindal disappeared into the hole shortly after addressing residents displaced by the Bayou Corne sinkhole, some nine months after that immense orifice first reared its ugly hole. Jindal downplayed the delay and explained that he would have visited Bayou Corne’s sinkhole sooner “had it been located in a state with more electoral votes.”
But Jindal emphasized that he had been working all the while “behind the scenes” to deal with the disaster, mostly during his travels for out-of-state speaking engagements. “I do my best thinking about Louisiana’s problems while I’m on a plane to somewhere else,” the governor noted.
Jindal also argued that he has been against the sinkhole from the very beginning. “I have always been against big things – big business, big banks, big Wall Street bailouts, and big holes,” the governor said. “And I can’t stand stupid things. I hate this stupid sinkhole just as much as I hate the stupid Republican Party.”
Jindal’s misfortune may have dampened him physically, but it certainly has not dampened his enthusiasm. In a hastily called press conference held shortly after the mishap, Jindal, speaking through a microphone lowered into the hole by the press corps, reprised his role as the king of comedy first introduced during his recent appearance at the Gridiron dinner in Washington D.C.:
“I think I found Jimmy Hoffa.”
“Things are looking up for my presidential campaign.”
“I’m reminded of the saying, “˜Be nice to the people that you meet on the way up. They’re the same people you’ll meet on the way down.’ On my way up, I don’t recall meeting any mole people.”
“Louisiana: As Elvis would say, ‘I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You.'”
“When I fell, my first thought was I was falling into a hole deeper than the national debt. Luckily, I hit a salt dome.”
“Now let’s meet our next contestant on Who Wants to Be a Silly Vice Presidential Candidate? Sarah Palin, come on down!”
“I hope to be rescued soon from this putrid, slurry mess. Of course, I’m referring to the GOP.”
“This is the biggest quagmire since the last time I visited Congress.”
“On a serious note, I can assure the people of Louisiana that nothing will change during my exile. Although I have had to cancel several out-of-state speaking engagements, it will be business as usual. Louisiana will continue to have the same leadership it has come to expect, which will be provided by my receptionist.”
Because of budget restraints, Jindal will have to wait until the 2013 Louisiana legislative session begins on April 8 for any possible appropriations to fund his rescue. State legislators are expected to vote along party lines.