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Boehner Injured in Smile Attempt

john_boehnerHouse Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, was rushed to a Washington, D.C., hospital after an ill-fated attempt to smile, congressional sources said.

Although there were conflicting reports as to what provoked the usually dour Boehner to attempt such a spontaneous display of gaiety, one legislative aide said Boehner was under the mistaken belief that he had worked out a budget proposal acceptable to both Democrats and Republicans.

“The Speaker has a long road of physical therapy ahead of him before he regains full use of all of his facial expressions.”

“Of course this belief later turned out to be false,” the aide said. “The Speaker was just beginning to break out into a smile when we heard this popping sound. The next thing we knew, he was rolling around on the floor, clutching his face.”

Boehner's ill fated smile attempt.
Boehner’s ill-fated smile attempt. “We heard this popping sound,” an aide said.

One doctor on the team treating the Speaker for his injuries commented that they were “the worst facial muscle tears I’ve seen in my 30 years of practice.”

Boehner in happier times.
Boehner in happier times.

“Both the zygomaticus major and minor muscles were literally hanging by a thread,” the physician said. “The facial muscles are normally very elastic, but like any other muscle, if not used on a regular basis, they become rigid and prone to injury.

“We tied them back together as best we could, but the Speaker has a long road of physical therapy ahead of him before he regains full use of all of his facial expressions.”

In a statement released to the press, Boehner said he hoped to be back on Capitol Hill in two to three weeks.

“There is a lot of work to do, and I look forward to getting back and not doing it,” the statement said.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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About Antonio Winnebago

Antonio Winnebago
"When you remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." - Mark Twain

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