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NFL Demands “Ethnically Clean Zone” During New Orleans Super Bowl

The National Football League is insisting the area around the Mercedes-Benz Superdome be free of “dregs, savages, and the genetically inferior” during this year’s Super Bowl.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu to provide an “ethnically clean zone” extending one mile in all directions around the Superdome or risk not getting another Super Bowl as long as he’s in charge.

“We can’t very well invite the world to a city replete with violent, untamable savages and inbred, genetic freaks without taking such measures.”

The league has called for a force composed of hundreds of NOPD officers, National Guardsmen, and secret police members to sweep the area “street by street, door by door, purging the zone of its feral, subhuman infestation, preferably by force.”

Goodell said the ethnic cleansing is necessary to help protect the NFL’s brand.

“We can’t very well invite the world to a city replete with violent, untamable savages and inbred, genetic freaks without taking such measures to help mitigate the immense, inherent risk to Super Bowl visitors,” Goodell said.

Goodell explained that while fans from Baltimore are used to living in a city with more than its fair share of lowlifes and degenerates, it pales in comparison to the Crescent City.

The commissioner said the city’s purification is only temporary, insisting that those individuals rounded up in the sweeps will be “released back into the wild” in the days after the big game.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

What Do You Think Of This Shtick?

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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16 comments

  1. SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING THERE?? THE NFL BRAND IS BETTER THAN THE HUMAN BEINGS THAT LIVE AND WORK IN NEW ORLEANS?????

  2. It’s obviously satirical. Moron.

  3. What if the “dregs, savages, and the genetically inferior” have tickets to the game? Many may be legal residents of the zone inpacted. Rodger, I hope you get you @$$ sued off.

  4. Herr Goodell. I commend you. Personally, I could not imagine entering a city that is befouled by heterogeneous hordes of subhumans and mongrels! I also commend your tactics and policies in keeping your slaves, er, players in line. NFL Uber Alles! Auf wiedersehen!

  5. Just who does Roger Goodell thinks he is? This sound like Nazi German, to me secret police Roger. Did I wake up in German 1938?
    I’m pissed over this I sent an e-mail to the NFL Players Association and ask for a reply over this “Ethnically Clean Zone”

    You can’t just go around putting poor people in jail because they are poor. I know a lot of people who live paycheck to paycheck.

    united we stand!

  6. Baltimore fans should be used to clutching their purses and walking the streets with degenerates, crack heads, whores and killers? You don’t have HBO? Have you ever seen The Wire?

  7. Are you people for real? Have you not read anything satirical before? This is a play on the actual “clean zone” in which the NFL restricts any commercial advertising or signs within a certain radius of the dome. It is meant to dissuade companies from saturating the area with those cheap temporary signs that seem to sprout up around election time.

  8. Oh.. and you might want to avoid sites like The Onion before you develop something called a sense of humor.

  9. This is like, an injustice man. I don’t see how he can do this. I mean, what happened to the constitution?????????? Where is like, the United Nations or something when we’re being oppressed????? Stop the tyranny!!! More like Roger Good-day Sir!!! If I was from New Orleans, I’d be like, What the hell man!!

  10. *Waits patiently in the bushes*

  11. Brad, not to be argumentative but your the only one that sees Goodall’s comments as being “satirical”. I pray you are correct in your assessment.

  12. Ummm, am I the only one concerned here? Not about the content of the article, but about how many people missed obvious satire? Trollolololololo

  13. “Jezebel Begonia”…you gotta LOVE that name. I commend your creativity AND your comments!!!

  14. Try googling “the Red Shtick” it is a satircal. I thought the same thing you did at first. No one else is writing about this. If it was true I think more of the media would be writing and talking about it.

  15. It’s SATIRE. You’d believe anything you see in print obviously.

    Are you concerned you won’t be allowed near the game?

  16. Get caught up in the sweep, did we?

    It’s a JOKE. What a clueless twit.